Are All Men Useless?

New Beginnings!

What a week I have had let me tell you.

Mayhem with the job offer being a flop! But in true champ style I kept my cool and focused on the end goal. Now I have been offered an even better job and to top it off get a brand new Golf as a company car…can’t be bad!

My MD said to me yesterday ‘I had a dream about you again.’ (OK…worrying) My reply ‘must be your anxiety about me leaving.’ ‘No, I had a dream that you didn’t have a job to go to.’ WHAT?! How on earth would he know that, or even think it!! Weird… But I assured him I did have a job to go to and as long as that spanner was at the company *ridiculous excuse of a Head of New Business* I will not be staying at this company. So even though I was actually jobless, I kept on with my poker face and landed myself a job the next day! Andddddd REST. All this a week before I am due to go on holiday is not what anybody needs.

But enough about work, that is all done and dusted.

So, back to the Man of Law. You would think that maybe, just maybe, they might be a tad more mature and have a bit more respect for women than the majority of all the other arseholes. But no, in true gentlemen style, they are just as much a tosser as the next man (Obviously I know this is a generalisation boys, so don’t get your boxes in a twist).

Men just baffle me. Nothing you  do works in your favour.

Donkey Dick – You know the slightly arrogant type but lots of humour, and let’s face it, we are all suckers for a funny guy! The kind of guy that makes you feel comfortable and even though you know he’s not the one you want to settle down with, you have a feeling he could be the one to have a bit of harmless fun with along the way. I’ve not long come out of a relationship, I don’t want anything serious, and even if I did I certainly haven’t got time for it. So I decide to think like a man. What would a man do in this situation? Because we are all human with animalistic needs after all, aren’t we??

So I gave him a proposition. ‘Listen here Mr, I’m not looking for anything serious but I do have needs that need to be met. How about me and you meet up once or twice a week and have a bit of casual fun?’ Obviously you need to lay down the rules before you enter into this. Maybe I’ve been reading too many types of Fifty Shades of Grey. RULES

1. If you sleep with anyone else unprotected you must tell me before we sleep together again.
2. If you meet someone you want to start seeing, great! Just tell me and we can be friends.
3. Don’t make plans with me then cancel.
4. Finally, do NOT be selfish in the bedroom because I will start WW3.

Surely this would be every guys dream?? But no, you have fun for a week. He disappears off the face of the earth.

Eight weeks later you hear he is back with his Ex but not heard a dicky bird from him! OMG did he not understand the rules!!! Rule 2 dickhead!!! Geeez. If you had just been honest with me it’s not a problem. But don’t ignore me then text me month’s later when you’re drunk and clearly had an argument with your girlfriend. That’s just tacky and really unattractive. And the audacity to think he would be able to sleep with me again after that is an insult.

Now back to the Man of Law. He found me on Facebook. I get a FB request. Check out his profile before accepting. Standard. Looking through his pictures I think yeah he’s ok. Not sure if he’s my type.  Then once I accepted he messages me straight away. You know the usual ‘Sorry for the random add.’ Well that’s all well and good but hey ‘why did you add me.’ And so the story goes on.

As we continued messaging very frequently throughout the next few days and I thought, this guy actually seems nice. I may as well meet him because you can’t really form an opinion of someone until you do.

Then I do the classic me. Yes I’ve done the drunken thing. I’m round my work mates having drinks with the girls. Drunk text mode takes over (always dangerous!) ‘Hey you, come over my friend’s house after work.’ He is so keen to meet me he even says his phone battery is running out so he goes to the shop and buys a car charger. You could look at that as ‘sweet’ or a bit ‘keen.’  Meh…I was pissed and didn’t care.

I fall asleep. ‘Fran, wake up and get your lippy on!’ My work friends are shaking and shouting at me. ‘No you go get him and I’ll have a few more minutes snooze.’ Tutting they walk off to collect the man waiting for me.

He arrives. Nice, he is much better looking in life, and tall. His photos do him no justice.

We both sat outside on the balcony. Had the standard speech from the pissed up work colleagues about his intentions…cringe! Haha but you gotta love those chats! Then we sit on the hammock on the balcony and just talk for hours and share a cheeky little kiss. Now are you meant to kiss on the first date? Probably not. But I was pissed up and that hardly counted as a date!

Next two days messages continue to flow regularly. Meet on the Saturday. Go for a lovely lunch. Then decide we have to see each other that evening. Even made him call into work sick. Oh I am a bad influence. Have an AMZING night together and well…let’s just leave that part there…

Messages slow slightly. Still an OK pace. Go for dinner on the Wednesday evening. Have lots of fun and giggles. Plan to see each other again the following Saturday evening and then…you guessed it. It all went downhill from there. The messages near enough stopped. Speak to him on the phone. He says ‘You don’t need to worry about me, I’m not a needy guy.’ CLEARLY MATE! You’re just someone who hunts down women as conquests.

He cancels Saturday night at 5pm. Shocker! He did have a good reason but no mention of rescheduling. So I put it to him ‘Look we are both clearly busy with work and other things at the minute so why don’t we leave it until I comeback from Cambodia and catch up then.’ I’m not being needy, pushy, or psychotic. In fact, I think I’m being pretty fucking cool about the situation. His reply ‘Well obviously I want to see you when you come back from Cambodia. Shall we also grab dinner one night this week before I start work?’ So there I am thinking ok that’s fair enough. ‘OK, well Wednesday is the only night I’m free.’ No reply.

Four days later and still no contact.

It’s Wednesday.

Ok, I’m thinking this guy is actually a grade A tool. Luckily I was having a hectic week so didn’t give it much thought but when I did I thought right, I’m texting the little shit bag ‘Are you dead or seriously injured??’ In my mind he fucking wants to be for just ignoring me like that. Him ‘oh sorry I’m just so knackered from work.’ Blah blah fucking blah. I work two shitting jobs and do night sits. Don’t moan to me about being tired! He needs to MAN UP. Moaning men are seriously unattractive!

He didn’t mention anything about us meeting up. So do you know what, I thought fuck this. You’re not even that good looking or funny. In fact he has the personality of a sedated ape. So what every girl should do in this situation. DO NOT let them know they have annoyed you in any way and save your self-respect but deleting him out of your phone completely! And that is the end of that.

I mean for fuck sake, seriously?! You try to have a casual relationship with someone. Doesn’t work. You take everyone else’s advice about how it’s ‘not all about looks’ and more about ‘personality.’ Yep, that’s all a load of crap as well. As far as I am concerned whether men are fat, thin, hench, ugly, handsome, cute… they all turn out the same. They are weak people who don’t even have the balls to be straight up and honest with you. If you’re not interested then you’re not interested, fair enough! I’m sure I won’t lose any sleep over it. But don’t just fucking ignore me and fob me off with shit excuses. This is exactly why I am single and staying single forever!!! Well, at least until the next tosser crosses my path.

Will I ever find a decent man? Who knows. But right now I honestly couldn’t give a fuck and just want to excel in my career and fill my wardrobe with designer shoes. Don’t care if that’s shallow. It’s my life and I’ll do whatever makes me happy.

THANK GOD I have the world’s coolest friends. I can’t wait to tell you about them individually. (Now don’t be scared my little cherubs!)

Oh and I must tell you about my weird experience in Ibiza and all the weird stories I was told. Here is a taster of one of fave stories and still to this day me and my friends, and even friends that weren’t even there still say it and piss their pants.

Imagine this. A ginger Irish man having sex with a girl. Him ‘Do you like that? Do you like that?’ *Irish accent* Crazy eyes staring at her. Girl – looks sheepish whilst in the moment thinking what the fuck is going on. Her reply ‘errrrr yeah…??’ Him ‘schhmmoookkkinnnggggg!!!’ HAHAHAAHAHA still makes me cry now. Poor girl. Only in Ibiza!

Doomed from the Beginning

Many of my friends have said to me you couldn’t even write the things that happen to me in my day to day life.

Some stories have them in fits of laughter and others in…well even shock horror ‘oh god you haven’t done that again,’ to ‘OMG I literally want to cry for you.’

I know we have all had our ups and downs, struggles and  challenges and well just some god damn crazy arsed shit occur in our paths.

So let me start by telling you a little about my life and how I have come to the decision to share a frighteningly honest (for my sins) view of, well, my life!

So I never had the easiest of up bringing’s. Mother a heroine addict, but at the same time my heroin.

My father is an alcoholic. Not a nice one. Just your straight up typical arsehole.

Two sisters. One older, who has gone from being a dirty bitch(house wise) to an anal clean freak, to the point she puts kitchen roll in her washing machine door every time she does a load of washing as she doesn’t want it to smell damp. Bit extreme if you ask me. And a younger sister who loves playing guitar, singing, and just your typical emo. Neither of my sisters or mum are very socialable, they are all happy living in their own little bubble. I on the other hand am very much a girls girls who finds myself being very codependent on others. Might explain my erratic relationships…

Codependent. There’s that word I have heard time and time again quoted at me by my mother and half of her addict friends in recovery.

Definition: Codependency – are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. People with a predisposition to be a codependent enabler often find themselves in relationships where their primary role is that of rescuer, supporter, and confidante. (Must be why I enjoy working part-time as a care – I WILL RESCUE YOU!).

Short run down.

Been to over 11 different schools.

Come from Bedfordshire but have moved to Bristol, Seattle US and Weston-Super-Mare. Bearing in my mind I have moved back and forth between these places about a gazillion times.

Love dogs. Was fat in lower and middle school. Had a brace. Lost weight before upper school. Discovered boys, alcohol, drugs, money, fags and well it has spiralled from there.

Maybe I’ll tell you a bit about my life stories as well as current ones as I continue to blog. If I try to tell you it all now I would no doubt end up writing my own blinking autobiography!

Present Day. So here is an example of how I get myself into ridiculous situations. My current role I am in now at work I hate the new Head of Sales.Typical. I mean he is an absolute tool. He bowls in like his shit don’t stink. Steals MY water glass off MY desk and uses it in his second week of strating. I mean gross! Who does that?!?! And then has the audacity to steal my client from me and make out he is the one that landed them. Tosser.

Because of this I decided to find a new job. Fabulous! Found an amazing new job. Better location. More money. All young women in the office and very lively. My idea of perfection.

Note to Self: DO NOT HAND IN YOUR RESIGNATION UNTIL YOU HAVE YOUR LETTER OF CONFIRMATION FROM YOUR NEW JOB.

Well I fucking well wish I had listened to my own advice. There’s me as per usual jumping the gun. Hand in my notice at work all smug like ‘yeah fuck you dick wipe I have a better job and you can stick your job where the sun don’t shine! hahaha’

Three days later. Recruitment company rings ‘ Oh hello, I am so sorry to tell you this but the new job has retracted their offer as they no longer have funding for your role.’

PANIC!!!! FUCK! WHAT??? This MUST be a JOKE right???? Oh no, this lady meant business. Oh and did I mention that in two weeks I am flying off to Cambodia for 2 weeks and now have NO job to come home too!

Oh well big pat on the back to you Frances. You have well and truly fucked up here!! So what do I do -Manager  ‘I’m having a break down I need to leave work immediately!’ Walk out and don’t return for TWO days. Standard.

God must love me because I have two interviews set up for next week within less than 24 hours of finding out I’m soon to be jobless. I’m just praying there is a silver lining and all that bull crap.

Men. I can assure you I have the most despicable taste in men known to woman kind.

Pretty Boy –  The commitment phobe who is clearly scared of vaginas. Selfish wanker. Either that or mine was just plain darn scary. And when he smells more like fake tan than you. Well, that’s just disturbing.

The ginger – apparently they have high sex drives. What’s a girl to do??

The Clingy One – Seriously, I mean if I had a Bidet in the bathroom next to my toilet they would want to use it as a urinal just so they would have an excuse to follow me to the bathroom! Get a grip. Desperation is not pretty.

The donkey dick – Well fuck me sideways and call me Michael. That isn’t pleasure. That is just pure torture. You can take your love stick and stick it in someone else’s cave.

The Bad Boy – Beautiful, stunning. Tells you everything you want to hear. Nice car. Flashes the cash. Draws you in then BAMM! I’m left paying the bills and acting as his mother!! I mean come on, I don’t need this shit. If I did I would have had kids by now.

The Good Boy – Dating a Man of Law. Who hasn’t always fantasised about playing with their truncheon and handcuffs… Well the handcuffs I’m still waiting for… to be continued.

Hope this little taster has your taste buds tingling for what tomorrow brings because it is Friday after all.

Oh and for any one out there who is on a ‘I hate men’ rant this weekend. Here is a little mantra my Mum tells me to say every time one fucks me off – ‘MEN ARE WANKERS. MEN ARE WANKERS. CUNT FACE CUNT FACE CUNT FACE.’ Scream it loud and proud. It really does help 🙂